I have demons in me.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
