Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
