my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
