This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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