would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
