Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
