dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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