he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Randomize
