so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
