that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
