as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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