you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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