he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
