Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
