Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
