Cold hands, warm shart.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
