Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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