Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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