so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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