i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
The uberlube is also flammable
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Randomize
