One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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