shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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