Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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