She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
