I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
