Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
