I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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