Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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