note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
