my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
