8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Operation Purity has been aborted
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
