that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I just gift wrapped bread.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
