"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
