So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
