I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
