Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
