Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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