It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
