Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm both gender and math confused
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
