i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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