Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
false alarm, still single
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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