I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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