I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
