I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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