Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
