i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
