As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
