I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
