did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
