I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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