I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
