fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
