here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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